Please See Me

Why do you see what you think you see?
When all I want is for you to see me.

Feeling so alone when you’re right next to me
That’s just wrong…don’t you agree?

There are people in this world who really deal with addiction
Why group me with them based on a prescription?

Do I really look like an addict to you?
How can you possibly believe this to be true?

I am very responsible with these meds that I don’t even want to take,
But every single argument is based on judgements you have no right to even make.

To you I am nothing but a lazy bum
To me I am strong to have carried this pain and sickness for so long.

Why is it that you can’t see
How hard it is just to be me?

Anger

Anger is one hell of a monster. It will eat you alive if you let it. Right now, I am allowing the feeling to be…just be. I’m not acting on it, I’m not crying (which is what I usually do when I am as mad as I am right now). I’m sort of proud of myself.

Today I had an appointment with my new psychologist. The appointment was at 1:00 pm.  Since I had to take the rental car back this morning, I made an appointment with my insurance company’s transportation people to take me to see the doctor today (my insurance company provides 10 free round-trip rides to doctors appointments per year). They were supposed to pick me up at 12:00 for the 1:00 appt. At 12:30 I called to find out what was going on and they told me that the driver would be here any minute now.

The driver showed up at 12:47 allowing only 8 minutes to get to my appt. It usually takes 30 minutes for me to drive there myself. To make matters worse, there was another man that she had picked up who also had an appt. at 1:00. Guess who got dropped of first…that’s right…the man.  I mentioned that it was a new patient visit and that I should probably call to let them know that I was going to be late. The driver told me not to worry about it that she would have someone call for me and explain the situation.

I arrived at the doctors office at 1:30. I go in and was told that not only did they not get a call from the transportation company, but that since new patient visits are scheduled an hour and I was 30 minutes late that they would be unable to see me. I was MAD! Very. Very. Mad.  I called the transportation company and asked to speak to a supervisor. I explained to them what had happened and that thanks to them I had been waiting on them and walking around on a broken foot for nothing. That thanks to them the doctor had refused to see me. I also told them that I had no intention of waiting 3 hours for someone to decide to pick me up and to please send someone ASAP.  The supervisor “fixed” things by offering me a free transport after I reach my max for the year. However I have lost faith in their company and hopefully won’t have to use their services again. I have cancelled my appointments for next week to make sure that I have time to get my car back from the shop before having to deal with doctors and therapists again.

Needless to say that today I am REALLY missing my car. I sure hope that I get it back next week. Luckily the gentleman who came to pick me up was quite the character and made me forget about my anger at least for the ride home. His easy banter and conversation made me feel much better. At least for now my anger has subsided and is just a little whisper in my ear. Much better than when I began writing this post while waiting for them to pick me up.

I Miss My Car (Sort Of)

Image Credit: http://www.rosendahlfinancialcoaching.com/how-is-financial-coaching-affordable-when-youre-broke/

 

With all the craziness of breaking my foot I forgot to tell you guys about my car. On Tuesday I went to physical therapy. Afterwards I stopped by the local Sprint store to exchange an accessory, and then I headed home.

Now, I noticed that my air wasn’t cold, but since I was smoking at the time, I assumed it was because it was an oven outside and I had the window rolled part of the way down. Once I was done, and the air still wasn’t cold, it finally occurred to me to look at the temperature gauge. It was all the way at the top! I had a hard time pulling over because of an eighteen wheeler who wouldn’t let me over, but I finally got stopped on the side of the highway. My car was smoking! I was so scared that it was going to catch on fire or something, but luckily it didn’t.

After about 20 minutes on the side of the road the car finally quit smoking. Another 15-20 minutes later M showed up with some coolant for the car (I had let my AAA lapse…I know…my bad).  Even with the coolant, the car still wouldn’t crank up. So, we had to find a mechanic to tow the car.

The next day M talks to the mechanic and tells me that the radiator blew up (I don’t know if that’s really a thing, but let’s just go with it) and that since I had driven it without water in it, that it had messed up the head of the engine. GREAT! The grand total to fix my car: $1,000. It really sucks, but it’s a lot less than buying a new car.

In the meantime, M rented me a car to use. It has been great being able to drive a new (model year) car! Unfortunately, my week is up tomorrow and I will have to take it back. Then I will be without a car until at least Friday. That will suck, but hey, it happens. At least it’s being worked on even as I write this post.

At least by having the rental car I was able to go to my birthday party on Saturday. My grandniece’s birthday was the 14th and mine was the 11th, so my niece decided to throw a party for both of us. It was so much fun! My 2yr old grandniece is an angel and I was honored to celebrate with her. It was the first birthday party that I’ve had in a very long time…I don’t even remember the last time I had a party. But we had a blast! Here are some pictures from the party…

 

Your Opinion Please

I am writing this post for two reasons: 1) M sort of told me to and 2) I am interested in your input.

I suffer from Adhesions which is internal scar tissue that basically “glues” your internal organs together. Any sort of movement including bending, reaching, sitting, even digesting my food when I eat (because my intestines are glued to various organs and to my abdominal wall) is painful. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, a disorder of the nervous system which affects many things. It causes widespread muscle pain and weakness, sensitivity to light and sound, brain fog (fibro fog- easily forgetting things you would normally remember or not being able to find the right word when conversing). I also have hypothyroidism, hypoparathyroidism, pre-diabetes, anxiety, depression, and migraines. I take a good bit of medicine for these disorders, but lets skip to the one which is obviously a problem in my relationship…the pain medication.

Although I take muscle relaxers for my muscle aches and pains, and gabapentin for my pain, let’s talk about the opioid medications for a minute, also known as narcotics. When you see a pain specialist, their goal is to put you on the lowest dosage possible that still controls the pain to a normal, functioning level. They want you to still be able to feel pain for the same reason…so that you will know if something is wrong with your body. Right now I am using the Fentanyl patch (25 mg) for around the clock pain relief and Percocet (10 mg) 3 times a day for break-through pain. I take these medications exactly as prescribed except for some days I don’t need all three doses of Percocet so I only take two. In other words SOMETIMES I TAKE LESS THAN WHAT HE PRESCRIBES.

You might be thinking “what is the reason for all this explanation?” The reason is that I now know why M told me that the pain is all in my head yesterday morning. Apparently, he thinks that I am making up the pain in order to get more pain medicine. Like I of all people would make up pain. I take pain very seriously. Now, did I ask the pain management doctor for something else to take for about a week? Yes. But first of all understand that 1) I didn’t ask for pain medication from another doctor. I am running it all through the one doctor that handles my pain management; and 2) He gave me a small dose of Norco (a medicine that is weaker than what I am taking now) twice a day for seven days. Apparently he saw the need for added pain relief. Trust me, if he hadn’t, he would NOT have prescribed the Norco. Just ask any chronic pain patient who has had difficulties getting good pain relief. The doctor understands that this is not part of my normal, everyday pain and that also, to be frank, it is a hell of a place to break a bone. I mean, not only is it broken, but I have to walk on it meaning I put my whole body’s weight on it. OUCH!

So, here comes question and answer time…Do you think that it was ok to have asked for one week’s worth of additional medication or was I wrong and therefore I am a “drug addict” as M says? I especially want to hear from those of you who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, but, I also want to hear from those who do not…in other words, anyone reading this is game to answer the poll below. Feel free to leave comments as well. All comments are welcome.

 

It’s All In My Head…

Yesterday morning, my left foot was half-asleep. I stood up anyway and started to walk off, but my left foot decided that it didn’t want to move. I ended up falling and breaking my foot. At first, I thought that I had just sprained it, or pulled something in it, but after an excruciating morning, I finally called the doctor to see if they could fit me in. By then my foot was swollen, red, black, and blue.

The doctor took X-rays and determined that I had broken the fifth metatarsal…right in the middle of my foot. He sent me to the first orthopedist he could find that could see me the same day (who just happened to be the orthopedist who just recently had done surgery on the doctor’s shoulder…talk about a good reference!). I went early to the orthopedist because I had never been there before and I knew there would be paperwork to fill out and just like most chronically ill patients, paperwork is like writing a book. It took me about an hour to fill everything out.

The orthopedist took a look at the copy of the x-ray from the other doctor and suggested that I wear a boot for a couple of months. The only time I can take it off is when I shower. I suppose because of the swelling, my foot started hurting worse after the boot was on for a while. I have to go back to the ortho in two weeks to have my foot x-rayed again to make sure that it is healing.

Here is my problem…the pain medication that I am on was taking care of my everyday adhesion and fibro pain, but it is not touching the pain I feel in my foot. I am going to talk to my pain management doctor today to see if I can get something stronger for a week or so. This morning I mentioned that my foot really hurts and M says to me “It’s all in your head, Joy”. REALLY!?! I even asked him “did you really just say that to me?” and his response was “well my back hurts everyday. You are choosing to feel the pain.” REALLY!?! So apparently the pain in my foot is all in my head. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have a broken bone and that I am having to walk around on said broken bone.

One of the worst things that you can ever say to a person in pain is that it is all in their heads. What we need to hear is that you believe us. I mean, of all the hateful, inconsiderate things to say! I am angry right now. Very angry. He is not doing a good job of making up for his disregard of my birthday. Once again, I am seriously doubting if this is a relationship that is worth pursuing.

Happy Birthday to Me :)

Image credit: http://birthdayb.com

Today was my birthday. This year, for once, it wasn’t just another day. I mean, it was because I still went to an eye doctor’s appointment…but it wasn’t because I felt that today was what it’s supposed to be…a celebration of my life.

M has never really celebrated his birthday. He says he doesn’t see the point. I get it. If it wasn’t a big deal growing up or just isn’t a big deal to you, then ok. That doesn’t mean that it’s not a big deal to other people. I respect his wishes and let his birthday be just another day (after the first couple of years when I made him a cake and I could tell it bothered him). However I have made it clear to him that I feel your birthday should be a special day. It should be a celebration of the fact that you’re alive and ANY kind of small gesture can symbolize that.

So, what did I get from him for my birthday today? A single rose? A 99 cent birthday card? Nope. I got NADA except for a “Oh yeah, Happy Birthday” when I woke up. I mean, the fact that I was given life should mean more to him than that, right? I’m not asking for an expensive gift. I truly don’t want an expensive gift. But I would like some gesture that my life is worth something. This has gone on like this for as long as we’ve been together and once again has me questioning if I truly mean anything to him.

My best friend is a woman I met around a year ago right here on WordPress. We have become very close. I can tell her anything and she can tell me anything. We Skype each other just as we are, which is usually lounging in bed in our pajamas because we don’t have the energy to do any different. This woman who I have known for less than a year sent me a gift package today. She made sure that it would be delivered to me on my birthday. It’s not about the gift…which happened to be a card, a beautiful journal, a password book, and a magnet…but about all the thought that went behind her putting it together and sending it.

So the way I see it, I mean more to this woman than I do to a man who has been part of my life for almost seven years. How messed up is that? Now, I know this sounds like I didn’t have a great birthday, but despite M’s lack of caring, this was a totally AWESOME birthday! The gift box sent to me by my best friend meant the world to me. We had our “Birthday Skype” and then she texted me and told me how much I meant to her and how happy she was to have me in her life. That in itself was enough to make it a great day! It almost made me cry to think that I mean that much to one person, and made it even more special because she means that much to me too. She has gotten me through some really tough times this past year when I might have just gone crazy without her.

Therefore, I dedicate this post to my best friend who made this birthday the best I’ve had in years. I am grateful and blessed to have such a wonderful friend in my life. She is more than a friend. She is family.

My Visit to the Rheumatologist

If you remember from my previous post A Couple of Normal Days, I had been given a dose of steroids that made me feel like a normal person for the first time in almost three years. The general doctor told me that he wanted me to see the rheumatologist because he thought that I might have had that reaction because of an autoimmune disorder. In the meantime, I have been using an inhaler and a nasal spray which contain corticosteroids. It has helped me to have more energy than before. It had gotten to the point where I was in bed most of the time and it was all I could do to even shower much less do things around the house.

Well, today I was able to get an appointment for the rheumatologist’s nurse practitioner for the hip injections that help my bursitis. While I was there, the doctor came in the room and I asked if he had a second to discuss something. I told him about the GP’s suspicions and he said to run all the details by the NP and she would discuss it with him. So, that is exactly what I did. I told her how I felt before the steroids and how I felt while taking them. She told me to continue to take the medications the way I am except for the Plaquinil that they had given me for inflammation. I am supposed to double the dose by taking it twice a day instead of once. In the meantime, they are going to do some more blood work. If the tests come back positive for inflammation again, she said that they would probably start me on a low dose of a medicine called Methotrexate. It was originally used as a chemotherapy drug, but in lower doses has been used to treat autoimmune disorders.

To be completely honest, the thought of taking a chemotherapy drug scares me. I am hoping and praying that my tests come back ok so that I don’t have to take it. If they don’t, however, then we will know for sure that it is some kind of autoimmune problem. If that is the case, then I suppose I will do what the doctor advises even though it scares me a bit. That is his specialty after all. I guess I was just hoping that it wouldn’t come to such drastic measures. Basically it is a quality of life issue. Before, I had no life. Now, I am able to get around better than I have in years. I will do whatever I have to do so that I don’t have to go back to that dark, lonely place that I was in before.

iPad Replacement Update

After writing this morning’s post, I got a call from the rental store to let me know that my request for a replacement iPad had been approved. If you have been keeping up, on Monday June 21 my house was broken into and my iPad, a cellphone, and a weed eater were stolen. It took the city a week (it is supposed to take 24 hours) to get me a copy of the police report because they “misplaced” it, and then it took the rental store a couple of days after getting a copy of the police report to decide whether they would replace the stolen one. I got tired of waiting and just bought a new tablet for myself, but M (and my sister, but M was first) offered to take over the payments if they replaced the old one.

So, the store calls to let me know that they will be able to replace the iPad with one that they have in the store. I asked if it was the same as the one that was stolen (in model and memory – I had a 64 GB iPad 3) and they didn’t know. I mean, how do you not know what you’re selling? They tried to give me the serial number so that I could call Apple to confirm the memory on the replacement, but the store manager gave me one of the serial number’s letters wrong and it couldn’t be looked up. Therefore, I had to drive there and get the serial number myself. I contacted Apple and it turned out that the iPad Air (iPad 5) that they wanted to give me was only 16 GB! That’s a quarter of the memory that my old one had. Well, that wasn’t going to cut it, so he called around to other stores and found me a 64 GB iPad 3 at another store. I heard when he specifically asked the other store if it had been refurbished (sent to the technician) because it had previously been rented out. They assured him it had.

I drove across town to pick up the iPad, but when I got home and turned it on, the first thing it asked me for was a passcode. Great…just great. So I called the manager back to ask if he could call the other store to see if for some reason they had placed the password on it. Nope. Turns out it was never sent to the shop to be wiped clean (refurbished). I mean really…what kind of idiot says it’s been sent to the shop when it hasn’t? The manager told me that my only option now is to let them send it to the shop to be reset which will take about a week. In the meantime, they will let me “borrow” the one they had in the store that only had 16 GB. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! That was a scream of frustration by the way. I feel like going to a really quiet place (like a library) and just screaming as loud as I can. Do any of you know if that actually makes you feel any better or is it just a saying? Now I have to create a new Apple ID to use on the rental tablet because I don’t want any of my personal information (or M’s) left on it when I give it back.

The only good thing about all this is that they are going to come by the house to exchange the tablets so that I don’t have to go back out today…and in the rain no less. Also, this way I know for sure that when I get it back, it will have been purged and examined for any problems, so I shouldn’t have to worry about it not working properly. With people this bright, I suppose “shouldn’t” is an assumption. It seems nothing seems to go right. I am so glad that in a few more payments this thing will be paid off and I won’t have to deal with them any more. Let’s just hope that it is in good working order when I get it back so that when it is paid off I won’t have any further issues with it. Here’s to hoping!

Weekly Update…

Well guys, this week has been a doozy. It was going pretty good until today actually.

Tuesday was physical therapy. It was much better this week than that one week that it sent me into a flare. No flare this week, just a couple of really tender trigger points in my hip area that had to be worked out. Honestly I don’t know that the trigger points were released seeing as how they’re still hurting. Of course, it could be my bursitis acting up. It may be time to pay my rheumy a visit to get injections in my hips again.

Wednesday was a sad day. It was my last visit with my psychologist seeing as how she has married and is moving to another city. I will start seeing my new therapist mid-August. I had gotten used to things with my therapist and I really hate to see her go. Even more I hate to think about having to start all over again with someone who doesn’t know me. The good thing that happened Wednesday was that the keyboard/case for my iPad came in the mail. It is a lot easier to write posts using the keyboard than using the screen of the tablet.

Thursday was supposed to be a day of rest knowing what all I had to do on Friday, but it turned out to be a bit busy as well. The screen protector that I had purchased for my iPad on Monday was already starting to peel up. So of course, I took it back to the store for a refund. Then I decided to buy one from Verizon and have them put it on for me. It was a good decision. I have never seen any screen saver (phone or tablet) not have at least one bubble until that day. The man did a beautiful job with the screen protector, told me that once it was scratched to come back and he would put one of the two remaining protectors on for me, and sold me on a glass screen protector for my iPhone. Then, I called the police station and finally found out why it was taking so long on the police report…they had “misplaced” it. So then I had to drive downtown, purchase the police report, and then take it to the rental place. Like I said, busy day for a “rest” day.

Friday was like every time I get my check. I run all across town paying things that I am unable to pay by phone. Depending on the lines that can take anywhere from 2 to 5 hours. This day took 3 hours, so not too bad. Then I went back to Verizon, bought the glass screen saver and a car holder for my iPhone, and to Target to buy a case. By the way, for those who don’t know, Target will match prices- even online. They will match Amazon’s price just as long as the product is sold and shipped by Amazon and not a third party. So I was able to get a $35 case for $22.99 thanks to Amazon’s scanning ability and Target’s competitiveness. After that I got a hankering for a new purse, so I went to Burlington and found a beautiful red leather purse and matching wallet on sale. Happy with the day’s purchases, I made my way home (aching body and all). Shortly after getting home the mailman came with my birthday package from my best friend. So now I have a set of bluetooth headphones to use when I’m driving or when I’m doing housework and want to listen to music without carrying my phone around. All in all a very good day, but completely exhausting!

Today is Saturday. I slept in late (It was about time I got some good sleep) but I still woke up utterly exhausted. I really need to go grocery shopping, but my body hurts so badly that I don’t know if I’ll be able to. Not to mention that I have dishes and laundry to do. I would really like for my day to be productive, but I just don’t know if I can. I have used my inhaler and taken a pain pill, so maybe in a little while I will have some energy and less pain so that I can go. I know that if I do I will have to use one of those electric cart things and I absolutely hate using them. But, I suppose it’s worth it to have food to eat, right?

I still haven’t heard anything from the rental place about whether or not they are going to replace the iPad. M said that he is willing to finish making payments on it, so at least I won’t have to worry about that bill anymore- whether or not they replace it. I just hate to lose all of the money that I put into it. I want it to be worth it to someone whether it’s M or my sister (who also said that she would be willing to take over payments- well who wouldn’t? There’s not that much left to pay on it!)

How was your week? Did something exciting happen or something sad? Feel free to leave a comment about how your week went.