I just saw a commercial for St. Jude children’s hospital. There are so many innocent children with cancer. It is sad and totally unfair that they should go through the hell that they go through.
Here comes the messed up part. The commercial made me cry. Why? Not for the children, but for me. I know that it is so completely selfish of me, and I am ashamed to admit it, but it did. I guess you’re wondering why it made me think of me. Well, to be honest, I envy them. I know that it is completely insane, but that was my reaction. I was jealous because I have thought on multiple occasions how much easier my life would be if I had cancer instead of adhesions that cause chronic pain.
First of all, people would better understand what I’m going through. There would be no confused looks when they hear of my uncommon, invisible illness. They would understand when I say I’m exhausted after having done absolutely nothing. They would understand when I say I’m in pain. I wouldn’t feel as though I had to explain myself all the time, to explain how I’m not lazy, but sick.
Second, cancer has two outcomes. One, you go through treatments to find out that the cancer is in remission. Or two, you go through treatments and find out that they haven’t worked, and you die. I know this sounds extremely harsh, but that is how it is. I don’t have those options. There are no treatments that will make my adhesions go into remission. They will always be there, making my life a living hell. Sometimes, so much of a hell that I wish, no, pray that God will just end it. I pray that he ends my suffering, and my loneliness. I would no longer have to deal with people’s misunderstanding of me, my illness, and my suffering.
Third, I’m jealous of the children’s strength in the face of adversity. They are so strong, so resilient. They are fighters through and through and through. I wish I had their strength to face my own adversity.
Maybe I’m wrong for this. I’m sure I am. But this is how I feel at times…so misunderstood that I wish it would end. I wish the pain would end. I wish the suffering would end. I truly feel for those children. I know that they are probably suffering the same or more than me, and I am truly humbled by their resilience. It is not fair that any of us have to suffer. I’m just voicing an opinion that I probably am not alone in having. I’m sorry if I have offended anyone with this post.