Adhesions – The Dark Monster Within

Adhesions – The Dark Monster Within.

A great poem about what it is like to live with severe adhesions.  Written by my best friend.

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Six Years

Six Yearsimage

Today was the end of year six, and the end of us.

I know the pain has changed me.
Has it really changed me that much, or are you just naming blame?

The one thing I wanted from you was understanding.
I never expected you to fix me, just love me and understand me…apparently that was too much to ask of you.

I just don’t understand what went wrong.
I don’t know where your love went…or was it ever there?

So many things I have found to be un-truths.
Were we an un-truth also?

Why would you tell me what you think I want to hear?
What I really want to hear is the truth…how you feel or felt.

You don’t even understand the damage you do to me when you walk by not acknowledging me.

Am I just a piece of furniture? Do I not exist?

And when questioned about whether or not your family’s love was true, you kick me while I’m down by saying “I guess they have their reasons not to love you.”

So, I’m not only losing you, but a family too?

I find out that you thought I was faking…until you heard the doctor and saw the pictures.
Was that not enough to prove to you that I didn’t make this up?

I didn’t want this. I wanted us. I didn’t mean to change, it must have just happened.
But you changed the most.

You used to believe me. You used to support me.
I used to not be a burden.

When did that change? When you found out it was real?
When you realized it wasn’t going away?

And if I was the one who changed, why did you say you were sorry…that things…you…would get better?

I don’t see things getting better. I see you walk by me as if I don’t exist. You don’t love me, but you “feel bad” leaving me this way.

Don’t worry about me…I will be stronger. I will be stronger without you and your lies.

It will take time for my heart to heal from the damage you have caused, but I will be fine.

I will grow stronger and I will have learned a very important life lesson.

I will not trust so easily, I will not love so easily.

Not unless I trust myself first. Not unless I love myself more…illness and all.

Even if it takes me six or sixty years to do so, I will love myself first.

Trapped

TRAPPED

Trapped in a body that’s not mine,
I want to run free, but I am in chains.

Trapped in a life that’s not mine,
I was meant to do more than this.

Trapped in a cycle of appointments,
Doctors, physical therapy, surgeries, procedures.

Trapped in a place I don’t know,
I want to feel safe, but I don’t.

Trapped in the cold,
I need some warmth…

Trapped in the heat,
I need some air.

Trapped because I trusted too easily,
Trust will no longer be free.

Trapped in a life I don’t want,
A life that’s not mine to take.

Trapped with so much love to give
And cursed with no new life to give it to.

Trapped because I loved too much,
This kind of love only traps me more.

Trapped in a cruel cycle of pain
Physical, emotional, more physical.

Trapped
And I see no way out.