Six Years

Six Yearsimage

Today was the end of year six, and the end of us.

I know the pain has changed me.
Has it really changed me that much, or are you just naming blame?

The one thing I wanted from you was understanding.
I never expected you to fix me, just love me and understand me…apparently that was too much to ask of you.

I just don’t understand what went wrong.
I don’t know where your love went…or was it ever there?

So many things I have found to be un-truths.
Were we an un-truth also?

Why would you tell me what you think I want to hear?
What I really want to hear is the truth…how you feel or felt.

You don’t even understand the damage you do to me when you walk by not acknowledging me.

Am I just a piece of furniture? Do I not exist?

And when questioned about whether or not your family’s love was true, you kick me while I’m down by saying “I guess they have their reasons not to love you.”

So, I’m not only losing you, but a family too?

I find out that you thought I was faking…until you heard the doctor and saw the pictures.
Was that not enough to prove to you that I didn’t make this up?

I didn’t want this. I wanted us. I didn’t mean to change, it must have just happened.
But you changed the most.

You used to believe me. You used to support me.
I used to not be a burden.

When did that change? When you found out it was real?
When you realized it wasn’t going away?

And if I was the one who changed, why did you say you were sorry…that things…you…would get better?

I don’t see things getting better. I see you walk by me as if I don’t exist. You don’t love me, but you “feel bad” leaving me this way.

Don’t worry about me…I will be stronger. I will be stronger without you and your lies.

It will take time for my heart to heal from the damage you have caused, but I will be fine.

I will grow stronger and I will have learned a very important life lesson.

I will not trust so easily, I will not love so easily.

Not unless I trust myself first. Not unless I love myself more…illness and all.

Even if it takes me six or sixty years to do so, I will love myself first.

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12 thoughts on “Six Years

    • Thank you. When I saw it I couldn’t believe it. He had left Facebook open and I remembered him saying that a couple of people in his family has asked about something that I posted (but they never commented to me on) so I was looking at a message between him and his sister who is a nurse, and he had said “como pensamos que todo era pura pedo, pues resulta que no” which if you don’t speak spanish, basically means ‘like we thought that it was all a lie, well we were wrong’. I couldn’t believe it! I told him I found it, too (we’ve always been honest with each other…well, I’ve always been honest with him) and he didn’t get bothered by it. He just tried to tell me that he did know…yeah right. My heart is so broken right now because like I said there, I’m not just loosing him, but a huge family that loved me (or so I thought…maybe they’re all liars like him). I don’t know what to think, what’s true or not. That’s why I told you that if you guys were having issues and he doesn’t know you’re sick, then stay away. That’s when you lose them.

      Thank you so much for the hugs. I could really use one right now! πŸ™‚

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  1. Pingback: Sometimes the things we can’t change end up changing us. | amber
  2. I don’t know if you believe in God or not, if not, then consider this a “universal rule”, “There is never a time when a door is closed that another door isn’t opened.” Once you have healed from your grief, seek that door. πŸ™‚

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    • I do. And I also believe in that saying. I am about to the point now where I’m ok with it being over. The hard part right now is him actually leaving. In the meantime I’m getting all this passive aggressive crap one minute and “I love you” the next. It’s the roller coaster that’s driving me insane now, but I do recognize that I would be healthier not having to deal with it. Thank you so much for your comment.

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  3. Did he actually leave, for real? I’m so sorry, girl. We need to talk tonight. Sorry I wasn’t there for you the past few nights. You were probably thinking, what a good friend she is! I’m so sorry. I am here. I love you, girl and we are talking in about 45 minutes. Wild Thang is here. You’re stuck with me, now deal with it, em k? I was very shocked to read this. The rest I need to say needs to be private, so 7 p.m. sharp.
    GREAT BIG BEAR HUGS FOR YOU MY DEAR FRIEND. You’ll be alright, I know it hurts right now, but you deserve much better because you are an awesome soul.
    Wild Thang πŸ™‚ Chin up! You can cry all you want, just keep your chin up while you’re doing it.

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