Up. Down. Up. Down. Round and round. I am back on the roller coaster that is my life. I thought that I had gotten the ride to stop and let me off, but now I see it was all an illusion. I have never been off. Minute fluctuations in energy and mood have made me believe what I have wanted to believe anything but the truth. The truth is that I am sick. The truth is that I have little to no support system outside of this blog. And the truth is that it sucks.
Truth number one: I am sick. It has been proven. I have not only surgical reports like before, but now also have photos and video of just how messed up my body really is. I went through the depression that came along with the (visual) proof of the adhesions plus the realization that absolutely nothing can be done to get rid of them. I cried. I pleaded. I screamed. I asked God why. I argued with myself and with my body that this was not going to get me. I told people that I had finally accepted it and I was going to fight through it. I even had an enjoyable Christmas.
But now the truth is sinking in. Yes, I was able to cook for Christmas thanks to the wonderful power of both adrenaline and opiates. I was able to control my shaky, adrenaline flooded body down enough to eat (again thanks to opiates but this time with a side of Ativan). And yes, Christmas Day was a day of rest and napping with no reprieve to my screaming muscles and achy back and pelvis. The sharp, cramp-like pelvic pains are even back. Subconsciously I knew I was doing WAY too much, but mentally I rationalized. Oh, I will have plenty of time to relax after the holidays; and maybe I will. But for now, I am one miserable human being because of it.
Truth number two: I have little to no support system outside of this blog. My one true support is my therapist. I mean really? She gets PAID to listen to me. That can’t count, right? Then there’s M. He listens to me about half of the time and counters what I have to say so that it seems he is belittling my statement. He may not mean to. He may mean (in his own strange way) to try to counter my negativity. But is saying that I’m hurting, that my body is stressed, really being negative? I don’t believe so. I believe that I’m stating a FACT. And trying to get it out verbally to someone hoping they will understand. Well, no such luck.
So I will vent here. The one place in the world where I am heard. Where there are people who understand what I’m going through and don’t push to make me “forget about it” or where the subject isn’t changed. Please understand that I am not being negative. I have begun to heal from the shock of realizing that this is my life now. Everyday I am getting closer to accepting things for how they are. Sometimes, though, I just need to get my feelings out. I need to cry and beg and get angry. I shouldn’t be chastised for that. At least I am not in denial anymore. That means I’m one step closer to accepting this monster that has invaded my body, although true acceptance may take a while to come.
P.S. Update: In the post Rain On Me, I apparently misunderstood what my sister-in-law meant to say. According to M, it is a phrase that means “when it’s not one thing it’s another”. I can handle that. It’s much less condescending than what I believed it to be and I apologize for thinking otherwise.