Up. Down. Up. Down. Round and round. I am back on the roller coaster that is my life. I thought that I had gotten the ride to stop and let me off, but now I see it was all an illusion. I have never been off. Minute fluctuations in energy and mood have made me believe what I have wanted to believe anything but the truth. The truth is that I am sick. The truth is that I have little to no support system outside of this blog. And the truth is that it sucks.
Truth number one: I am sick. It has been proven. I have not only surgical reports like before, but now also have photos and video of just how messed up my body really is. I went through the depression that came along with the (visual) proof of the adhesions plus the realization that absolutely nothing can be done to get rid of them. I cried. I pleaded. I screamed. I asked God why. I argued with myself and with my body that this was not going to get me. I told people that I had finally accepted it and I was going to fight through it. I even had an enjoyable Christmas.
But now the truth is sinking in. Yes, I was able to cook for Christmas thanks to the wonderful power of both adrenaline and opiates. I was able to control my shaky, adrenaline flooded body down enough to eat (again thanks to opiates but this time with a side of Ativan). And yes, Christmas Day was a day of rest and napping with no reprieve to my screaming muscles and achy back and pelvis. The sharp, cramp-like pelvic pains are even back. Subconsciously I knew I was doing WAY too much, but mentally I rationalized. Oh, I will have plenty of time to relax after the holidays; and maybe I will. But for now, I am one miserable human being because of it.
Truth number two: I have little to no support system outside of this blog. My one true support is my therapist. I mean really? She gets PAID to listen to me. That can’t count, right? Then there’s M. He listens to me about half of the time and counters what I have to say so that it seems he is belittling my statement. He may not mean to. He may mean (in his own strange way) to try to counter my negativity. But is saying that I’m hurting, that my body is stressed, really being negative? I don’t believe so. I believe that I’m stating a FACT. And trying to get it out verbally to someone hoping they will understand. Well, no such luck.
So I will vent here. The one place in the world where I am heard. Where there are people who understand what I’m going through and don’t push to make me “forget about it” or where the subject isn’t changed. Please understand that I am not being negative. I have begun to heal from the shock of realizing that this is my life now. Everyday I am getting closer to accepting things for how they are. Sometimes, though, I just need to get my feelings out. I need to cry and beg and get angry. I shouldn’t be chastised for that. At least I am not in denial anymore. That means I’m one step closer to accepting this monster that has invaded my body, although true acceptance may take a while to come.
P.S. Update: In the post Rain On Me, I apparently misunderstood what my sister-in-law meant to say. According to M, it is a phrase that means “when it’s not one thing it’s another”. I can handle that. It’s much less condescending than what I believed it to be and I apologize for thinking otherwise.
Joynpain2 
It sucks to be in pain constantly. I hope and pray your medications will finally give you some of that much needed relief that you so desperately need. I hope you can get plenty of rest today, and as always, I will keep you in my prayers. 🙂
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As do I. Thank you my friend.
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At least you’re using this blog as a way to cope. Some people never figure out a way.
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That’s very true.
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I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not that we want to be negative, but when we’re sick, it is what it is. You have every right in the world to feel angry and upset. It’s good to release all those negative emotions instead of bottling them up, so by all means, blog about it! What truly matters is that after you release the negative, you’re able to turn things around and give things your best–which I think you do well at. 🙂 Hope the pain lessens a little for you today so then you can rest and relax.
Gentle hugs,
Jenn
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Thanks Jenn. Yes, sometimes you’ve just got to get it out so that you can face the day with a decent attitude. After writing this post and having a good cry I was ready to go.😀
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I know what you mean about struggling to find support. I know my family trys to be supportive but they don’t really understand what I’m going through so they fairly often say things which I feel belittle what I’m trying to explain. It’s nice to have people who actually understand to vent to. We are all here for each other 🙂
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It’s kinda like saying (after a busy day…or after a slow day either one) “I’m utterly exhausted” and getting back “well, I actually worked all day. I’m tired too”. Well great, because I didn’t work all day you must feel worse than me. PLEASE tell me how I can make it better for you (note sarcasm). You know, all I want to hear is “I believe you” or “I know you are”. Don’t try to compare apples to oranges.
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Exactly 🙂
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I know where you’re coming from and I really wish I can do something to help. It’s sad that I can only offer sympathy. Why do some people have to suffer like you? Let’s pray and believe in the power of prayers. I pray to the Good Lord to give you a much deserved better life than what you are now.
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Thank you Maxim I really appreciate that. There really is nothing that can be done. This is just my life now. However It’s not always this bad. I simply haven’t learned how to pace myself yet. I have a good day and I try to get everything done that I can. Then I end up paying for it. I pray constantly for the Lord to teach me how to pace myself and just basically how to live this life that he has chosen for me. One day I will learn. Thank you for your sympathy and your concern. It’s good to know there are people who care.
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It’s good to know that your situation is not that bad always. I wish that it is much lesser bad than it used to be. But NO, I don’t believe that nothing can be done about it. Did you stop hoping? I hope you didn’t. Remember that for any sick person the right attitude, which could also be the right way to think about it, will help a lot. I promise you will always be in my prayers.
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I know what you mean about people trying to counter the ‘negative’ emotions that come with having a chronic illness. People need to understand that there’s a difference between wallowing indulgently in self-pity and acknowledging the upsetting reality. My boyfriend is lovely and always tries to cheer me up, but I just tell him that being sad is OK and healthy – and very necessary. Not all the time, and not forever, but respecting grief and loss is important and helps make room for the other great things that we can still enjoy.
xx
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Thanks Claire. Some people it doesn’t matter how much you try to teach them they have their beliefs and won’t budge from there. There is so much information for caregivers and/or friends of the chronically ill, but if you refuse to read it, then it’s all for nothing. Some people just don’t get it. That’s an issue that I’m eventually going to have to deal with, but for now I’m trying to avoid the conflict, know what I mean?
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