It’s been a very long time since I last wrote to you…10 years almost. I guess the reason why it has been so long is because sometimes I talk to you as if you were here with me. That, and because I know you can see me and are watching over me. To be honest, that thought has brought me a lot of peace over the years…and a lot of grief. I worry that I have let you down. I know that you had such big plans for me – for my future – and that I have failed you in every way possible. I have made a lot of bad decisions along the way that have had a negative effect on my life. I was once again going in the right direction when I went back to school. I knew you were proud of me then. But of course, those negative decisions I made came back to bite me in the ass.
I was so very grateful that you were not here to see the fiasco of ’05. I know it would have broken your heart. Also, I feel I should apologize for not moving with you to Georgia. I should have been the one to take care of you. School could always have waited. I am so sorry that I chose A. and school over you. It was wrong of me and I know you must have been scared and lonely. I should have been there. Also, I felt really bad about signing the DNR in 2003. I know that you never wanted me to have to go through what I went through with that. I felt so bad for such a long time because I never felt I got the chance to say goodbye. You do know I was on my way, right? We were looking for a parking place at the hospital when they called to say it was too late. That was the worst type of pain – the emotional – knowing that you’ve made the decision that kept you from seeing your mother for the last time. Of course now I know that it would have been cruel to allow them to keep you alive just for me, I also know that maybe you chose this time specifically. You wanted me to know that I had almost made it, but you knew the drama that would ensue, so you chose to go early. At least that way you got the eternal peace that you needed. I probably would have been selfish. Thank you for giving me the strength to make such a tough decision. I know you wanted to go, it was time. You were ready for the grace you had been promised. I understand that now.
I talked to Aunt Donnie a bit before she left here to be with you there, and she made me feel a lot better. I’m sure she said exactly what you would have. She asked if I could ever remember a time when you were disappointed in me. I thought for a good little while and couldn’t come up with one. She told me that’s how strong your love for me is. That you were incapable of disappointment in life, so why would you be disappointed in me now? She said that you know I didn’t plan to get sick, that no matter what, you were always proud of me. Always were and always will be.
That got me to thinking about unconditional love. You were my very best friend. You were the one person in the world who has ever loved me unconditionally. Now that I don’t have that kind of love anymore, I long for it. I know now that it’s God’s gift to me but you know, it just doesn’t feel the same. I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being. Please know that I strive daily to be more like you. I’m honored when someone compares me to you because to me, you were truly a gift from God sent to earth. By the way, I have learned how to crochet now. I enjoy it because I feel closer to you as I work with it. I need your help to make the right decisions in my life. Things are really complicated and I would love nothing more than to be able to be in your arms while I tell you all of my troubles. You always did give the best advice, without judging. I need that understanding and I need you to comfort me. Since these things aren’t possible, will you send me the person who is supposed to hold and comfort me? I desperately need that unconditional, understanding, comforting and caring kind of love. If he’s here, teach him what I need. I will always hold you in my heart. I know that I am never truly alone because you are with me. I love and miss you terribly.
With love, Joy
- Mama Lally (newsinfo.inquirer.net)
- “Cocoa Beach Christmas” by Meg Sefton (plainstories.wordpress.com)