Dear Mama,

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It’s been a very long time since I last wrote to you…10 years almost. I guess the reason why it has been so long is because sometimes I talk to you as if you were here with me. That, and because I know you can see me and are watching over me. To be honest, that thought has brought me a lot of peace over the years…and a lot of grief. I worry that I have let you down. I know that you had such big plans for me – for my future – and that I have failed you in every way possible. I have made a lot of bad decisions along the way that have had a negative effect on my life. I was once again going in the right direction when I went back to school. I knew you were proud of me then. But of course, those negative decisions I made came back to bite me in the ass.

I was so very grateful that you were not here to see the fiasco of ’05. I know it would have broken your heart. Also, I feel I should apologize for not moving with you to Georgia. I should have been the one to take care of you. School could always have waited. I am so sorry that I chose A. and school over you. It was wrong of me and I know you must have been scared and lonely. I should have been there. Also, I felt really bad about signing the DNR in 2003. I know that you never wanted me to have to go through what I went through with that. I felt so bad for such a long time because I never felt I got the chance to say goodbye. You do know I was on my way, right? We were looking for a parking place at the hospital when they called to say it was too late. That was the worst type of pain – the emotional – knowing that you’ve made the decision that kept you from seeing your mother for the last time. Of course now I know that it would have been cruel to allow them to keep you alive just for me, I also know that maybe you chose this time specifically. You wanted me to know that I had almost made it, but you knew the drama that would ensue, so you chose to go early. At least that way you got the eternal peace that you needed. I probably would have been selfish. Thank you for giving me the strength to make such a tough decision. I know you wanted to go, it was time. You were ready for the grace you had been promised. I understand that now.

I talked to Aunt Donnie a bit before she left here to be with you there, and she made me feel a lot better. I’m sure she said exactly what you would have. She asked if I could ever remember a time when you were disappointed in me. I thought for a good little while and couldn’t come up with one. She told me that’s how strong your love for me is. That you were incapable of disappointment in life, so why would you be disappointed in me now?Β She said that you know I didn’t plan to get sick, that no matter what, you were always proud of me. Always were and always will be.

34482_1363327444808_1280251565_30965876_5705448_nThat got me to thinking about unconditional love. You were my very best friend. You were the one person in the world who has ever loved me unconditionally. Now that I don’t have that kind of love anymore, I long for it. I know now that it’s God’s gift to me but you know, it just doesn’t feel the same. I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being. Please know that I strive daily to be more like you. I’m honored when someone compares me to you because to me, you were truly a gift from God sent to earth. By the way, I have learned how to crochet now. I enjoy it because I feel closer to you as I work with it. I need your help to make the right decisions in my life. Things are really complicated and I would love nothing more than to be able to be in your arms while I tell you all of my troubles. You always did give the best advice, without judging. I need that understanding and I need you to comfort me. Since these things aren’t possible, will you send me the person who is supposed to hold and comfort me? I desperately need that unconditional, understanding, comforting and caring kind of love. If he’s here, teach him what I need. I will always hold you in my heart. I know that I am never truly alone because you are with me. I love and miss you terribly.
With love, Joy

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31 thoughts on “Dear Mama,

      • yes Joy, you wrote that so nicely, and your mother would be so PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! your a great person inside in and out, thanks for being such a good friend to me and supportive of my blog, I know its not all that great and I am screwing it all up, lol…but you always have a nice comment to leave and I appreciate it πŸ™‚
        This Time of Year just bring all different things to the surface don’t it? We need to LOOK forward to the NEW YEAR 2014 it can’t be any worse than 2013 lol.

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  1. Beautiful. Simply beautiful. I’m so proud of you. I told you, you could do it. Don’t you feel better now, getting that out? I love you,, girl. Job well done and thank you for sharing such a beautiful story with us.:)

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      • It was a lot easier once you put your mind to it and just got started, right? I’m very proud of you. You did an awesome job and it sounds like your mom would have been someone I would have liked to meet. She was awesome I can tell by what you wrote. I’m so sorry, she’s not here on earth, but she is with you, you do know that? She’s probably your number one guardian angel. Mark told me I have a minimum of 15 guides and guardian angels with all the shit I have going on. I sure wish they would do something. LOL
        Everybody is making me cry tonight. Lord have mercy. I hope you had a good day and just let me know when you feel up to talking, ok?
        You know Wild Thang is never at a loss for words. AMEN, to that, sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

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          • I’m bloated and hurting. Other than that, today hasn’t been that bad (probably because I got out what needed to be said). The other, though, will resolve eventually if you know what I mean. It was probably all the Christmas food. I’m going to have to seriously consider changing my diet.

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          • I’m sorry. I know that is miserable, as I feel that way after only a few bites. Yes, getting that out had to be a big relief. Now, you know what is next, right? The letter to yourself. I’ll give you a little while to digest this one, but then you really need to do the letter to yourself from your future self. It really helps, too. Not that I’ve been doing what my future self told me to do. OOPS! I better go back and read that letter, however, I can’t do anything unless it can be done from my bed. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm Sigh…………………………….
            Well, if you ate a bunch of stuff over Christmas that you’re not used to eating, that will do it. Drink ya some of that good ole milk of magnesia. That’ll cure ya. I’m gonna drink me some Aftershock and that’ll do it for me. LOL

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          • The Linzess isn’t even working? It sure works on me. Miralax doesn’t work worth a shit, no pun intended. If you want that to work, you will have to double up on it I will tell you that I switched from Miralax to Milk of Magnesia and it works a lot better and faster and cheaper.

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          • liquid. Wild Cherry flavor. It will work within a few hours. My mom pestered me about trying it forever and I finally gave in and wished I had listened to her sooner.:)

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  2. Go to walmart….bottom row…its made by equate its sugar free its called Magnesium Citrate U.S.P Oral Solution…you drink half that bottle along with some water and you wont have any problems its in a clear bottle saline laxative…dr’s recommend it before GI procedures and they had me on it before they had me starting the shots..
    just a thought….or something to remember for future reference

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    • I HATE that stuff with a capital H-A-T-E. I’m taking linzess and Amitiza. The Miralax is covered by insurance because I have a script for it too, so it’s just a matter of getting enough in me. Not to panic or anything, but how long until you realized there was a problem after you had that procedure done? It was the 20th, but I’ve been able to go…just VERY little.

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      • I never tried linzess…I was on amitiza, which didn’t do a THING FOR ME neither did miralax and eventually the magnesium citrate didn’t work either, Now why do you hate it so much? cuz of the taste? cuz of the cramps? well if nothing else is working you gotta do something, unless you wanna get out some k-y, stand on your head and go for fishing on your own….which let me tell you is not a fun experience at all…if you are on opiates and not very active, then you have already what a GI dr. would call a Narcotic Bowel, which is already slowed down because of the opiates. Then if your getting Shots to NUMB that area, That is going to slow it down even more. You just have to make sure you don’t let your self get so backed up and bloated to where you start feeling nauseated because then you will start to vomit up your stool. Thats when you know, something is wrong. Or atleast thats how it happened with me.

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        • I definitely don’t want to go “fishing” I think this will start to work soon, but if not I’ll buy the nasty stuff. Yes, I hate the taste and the cramps. Damn cramps double me over.

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          • I know hon,..Gotta do what ya gotta dooooo..listen to someone who’s already, been there and done that,please, plus do you wanna nother dr. visit to a GI specialist next…cuz thats whats will happen…

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  3. now I noticed our time zones are perfectly on target….lmao…but when I post on wild thangs comment section it is all screwed up…for a minuted it messed with my head…lmao….and then I posted again…lmao…..and I was like NO…this is not right….did you ever notice that πŸ™‚ Gosh You Gotta Love her, I mentioned a song to her,and later she posted one by the same group πŸ™‚ knowing I don’t know how to post songs to my blog…you girls are super duper….and I Love ya both like sista’s….

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