I Hate My Life Sometimes

Image credit: http://briansroom.com

Image credit: http://briansroom.com

I hate my life sometimes. Today is one of those days. This morning the alarm on my iPad goes off to let me know that it is time for my pain medication. I open the drawer to retrieve it and…BAM! It is not there. Panic mode set in and a million thoughts went through my head:

  • Did I move it?
  • Did someone steal it?

    Image credit: http://drgenecobb.com

    Image credit: http://drgenecobb.com

  • Where would I have moved it to?
  • Why would I have moved it?
  • Was someone in the house?
  • I haven’t had any visitors.
  • Did someone break in?
  • I just knew I should have purchased a safe.
  • Why haven’t I priced small safes?
  • This can not be happening?
  • What will I tell my doctor?
  • Will he believe me?
  • Will he replace it?
  • There’s no way he would replace it.
  • What am I going to do for the next week without any pain medication?
  • I will be completely bed-bound. Worse than I am now.

I proceed to go on a wild goose chase looking for my pain medication. I re-checked the drawer. I pulled the drawer completely out to look to see if it had fallen behind. I checked the other drawer (meaning I pulled every bit of junk out of it – and there’s a lot of junk!) to make sure it wasn’t there.  I looked under the bed. I looked on top of the bed. I looked in my crochet bag. I sat down and cried. Then I had the strangest thought. Did I throw the box away? I checked the trash in my room, but I had taken it out the day before. So out I go outside in the cold (without a jacket because like I said, I’m panicking) to bring in the trash bag from outside. I cut open the bag and found the smaller bag from my bedroom.  I cut it open and began pulling things out. Finally, I found a box. I’m thinking, please God let this be it.  Luckily, it was.

I bet you’re thinking “well, if you found your meds, then what’s the problem?”  Well, the problem is that life shouldn’t be this way.  Not for a 32 year young woman. First of all, I shouldn’t have had the brain fog that would allow me to throw almost a whole box of medication away. Second, I shouldn’t have to panic and worry about the immense suffering  that I would go through without my medicines. That one thought alone scared the shit out of me. I’ve been on medication for a long time and it seems my pain was just starting to rear it’s ugly head when I started taking it.  The one time that I forgot to take any of my daily medications was because of a partial seizure. It’s easy to forget medicines at a time like that because with partial seizures you don’t feel pain. When I finally came out of it, the whole day had passed and it was around 5 or 6 in the evening. I had missed at least two if not three doses of my medicines. When the sensation of pain finally hit me, I was miserable. Actually, miserable does not come close to describing what I felt. So the thought this morning of going back to that kind of pain truly scared the shit out of me.

I am just starting to calm down a little thanks to a dose of Ativan. My thoughts now are in pricing a small safe in case a visitor or a thief decides to “borrow” some of my medications. Of course I know that’s not what caused the panic this morning, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about the brain fog making me do stupid stuff. I will, however, try to be more aware of what is going on around me. I mean, I go into my medicine drawer four times a day. I should have noticed before today that the box was no longer in there.

I hate feeling this way. I hate the fear. I hate the fact that I NEED this type of medication. I’m sure my day will get better, but for now, I am throughly freaked out.


What do you do to protect your controlled substances? Do you have a safe? If not, do you ever think that you might need one?  How does it make you feel to have to take this type of medication? Do you ever think about what your life would be like without it?


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16 thoughts on “I Hate My Life Sometimes

  1. Just wanted to say hello. I too have pelvic pain and adhesions. It’s a daily struggle at times particularly because I have other chronic illnesses and I don’t qualify for disability. I still have to function daily. Sending you lots of love and support as you continue on this journey.


    • I’m so sorry to hear that you too suffer from this terrible disease (that some say are not a disease…can you believe that!?!). I’m here anytime you want to chat or need to vent. I use this blog for venting many times (as you probably were able to tell) but I know that sometimes I still need a person on the other end who understands what I’m going through. You can always comment here, send me an email joynpain2blog@gmail.com, or find me on Facebook. The link to my Facebook page should be at the top of the page and the sidebar. There are also some great groups on Facebook for people with adhesions. If you are interested in one of those, just let me know and I will send you the link. Thank you so much for finding me and for commenting. We have to stick together and make people understand that adhesions are real!


  2. I can definitely understand the frustration of brain fog and losing things. I’ve lost important items before, but I do eventually find them. With my meds, I keep them on the Lazy Susan thing in the kitchen and make sure not to move them to another place. I thought I misplaced my little crochet bag with my crochet tools today. In the end, it was right on my bed and blended in with my black North Face coat. 😉 Hope your day is going more smoothly now. xx


  3. I have those moments all too often! Foggy Frog definitely likes to ensure I get stressed out and increase the chance for the pain gang to join him. I’m glad you found the box in the long run, even if you did have to go through the bin 🙂


    • Yeah, that had to be the low point in the story. But, at least it was found. One time I went to wash clothes and apparently put the soap in the trash can instead of the washer. That was a good laugh later. I’m not ready to laugh about this just yet, but by tomorrow I probably will be.


  4. Doing things like that is always so distressing. Throwing things away seems to be the thing I usually do when my brain shuts off, although I haven’t thrown my medication away yet. I did lose it recently and, like you, I panicked. I’m glad you found your meds and I hope your day got better.


  5. I get this way with my psychiatrist. I pretty much go in and act like he is a God and make him feel important and right all the time. It kills me inside because I know he doesn’t even listen to what I say. He literally will ask me a question that I just answered. When he passes my prescriptions to me I have a sigh of relief. I get anxiety before I meet with him and used to role play with my Mom. It’s freaking scary withdrawal is terrifying to me. I keep my meds in a drawer and each time I get meds I take one pill out and give it to my dad to keep for emergencies (if I run out or forget to get refills in time etc). It’s frustrating at this age. Great post sweet friend!


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