My Messed-Up Mind

I just saw a commercial for St. Jude children’s hospital. There are so many innocent children with cancer. It is sad and totally unfair that they should go through the hell that they go through.

Here comes the messed up part. The commercial made me cry. Why? Not for the children, but for me. I know that it is so completely selfish of me, and I am ashamed to admit it, but it did. I guess you’re wondering why it made me think of me. Well, to be honest, I envy them. I know that it is completely insane, but that was my reaction. I was jealous because I have thought on multiple occasions how much easier my life would be if I had cancer instead of adhesions that cause chronic pain.

First of all, people would better understand what I’m going through. There would be no confused looks when they hear of my uncommon, invisible illness. They would understand when I say I’m exhausted after having done absolutely nothing. They would understand when I say I’m in pain. I wouldn’t feel as though I had to explain myself all the time, to explain how I’m not lazy, but sick.

Second, cancer has two outcomes. One, you go through treatments to find out that the cancer is in remission. Or two, you go through treatments and find out that they haven’t worked, and you die. I know this sounds extremely harsh, but that is how it is. I don’t have those options. There are no treatments that will make my adhesions go into remission. They will always be there, making my life a living hell. Sometimes, so much of a hell that I wish, no, pray that God will just end it. I pray that he ends my suffering, and my loneliness. I would no longer have to deal with people’s misunderstanding of me, my illness, and my suffering.

Third, I’m jealous of the children’s strength in the face of adversity. They are so strong, so resilient. They are fighters through and through and through. I wish I had their strength to face my own adversity.

Maybe I’m wrong for this. I’m sure I am. But this is how I feel at times…so misunderstood that I wish it would end. I wish the pain would end. I wish the suffering would end. I truly feel for those children. I know that they are probably suffering the same or more than me, and I am truly humbled by their resilience. It is not fair that any of us have to suffer. I’m just voicing an opinion that I probably am not alone in having. I’m sorry if I have offended anyone with this post.

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21 thoughts on “My Messed-Up Mind

  1. You are just being honest about your feelings and emotions and I was told that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are just feelings. I think when we are in touch with our feelings and are able to express them, that it makes us stronger and emotionally healthier. You have a disease which causes pain and unfortunately, most people do not try to understand people in pain, causing us a lot of loneliness. I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I wish I could give you a big hug, but I guess it will have to be a virtual hug. ((HUG)) God bless you.

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    • Thank you. It was just so weird that I had this reaction. The past two days have been great. Yesterday I laughed more than I have in a VERY long time. Today I visited my sister and she gave me a bunch of yarn and then I went to Wal-Mart and saw pink camo yarn. PINK CAMO YARN! I have plenty to work on now. So why this extreme reaction to a commercial?

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  2. I think you are justified in how you feel. You are not wishing the cancer on these children. I think everyone has a time when they feel sorry for themselves. Lord knows I do. I have heard of this chronic pain, and thankfully I do not have it. I know there are a lot of people who do or must have it. Sending prayers your way. I don’t get to read all your posts, but I am glad I seen this one. Wish I had a helpful hint for you.

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  3. Totally understandable. The outcomes for cancer are much more clear cut.

    A really good friend of mine has T-cell lymphoma. I wrote about it here. He seems to have drawn the “remission” card, of which I am glad.

    Coming to this illness seems to have changed him. Before his cancer diagnosis, he was asking me why I wasn’t going to grad school. After his cancer diagnosis, I was telling him of my struggles as an amateur writer– and he seemed to get it. He said something like, “People don’t realize how hard it is to put yourself out there.”

    I should have called him today, but I’ll try again, maybe when school is back in session and I have a better chance of an adult answering the phone.

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    • I’m glad I made you think of him, but sorry that it was this way. Yes, when you’re sick you hold on to those friendships that you can for dear life because many end up leaving. You’re a good friend.

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      • Some more thoughts for you.

        My paternal grandfather died to prostate cancer in 1990. My father, his second son, got his first “invisible” illness diagnosis just two years later. His second one was… let me see… I think it was only a few years ago or so. I was talking to my youngest sister at the time, figured we’d make our peace with burying him, because he was deathly ill that time. We didn’t get a diagnosis, I don’t think, until he found a specialist that was able to treat him and he recovered.

        You’re right– it’s not fair! While I hated to see my grandfather die, I’ve hated to see my father suffer, which, now that I think of it, was well more than twenty years or so.

        I think Dad thought many thoughts similar to yours. We talked many times about the “but you don’t look sick” attitude, and the Spoon Theory. He especially latched on to that analogy of spoons. There were times he did wish he could die, just to be done with it all. But, he didn’t.

        You’re quite welcome, by the way… I wanted you to know that I think your thoughts and feelings are 100% understandable, and there are others of us out there that think much the same way.

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        • I’m sorry to hear about your father and grandfather. But it’s true, we respect animals enough to put them out of their suffering, but not people. I’m not saying that I’m ready to be put out, but there are people who are. I risked writing this because I’m sure that there are others who feel the same but don’t have the courage to say it out loud

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          • Yep. The right to die is still a really heavily debated subject. I think it’s more of a dilemma for health care workers and loved ones than the afflicted.

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  4. I thnk you tears were for “suffering”. Your suffering and those little children’s suffering. You can relate to them because you have “suffering” in common with them. They were tears of compassion. Compassion is being able to feel their pain, which you do.

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    • That could have been what it was. I know others have commented that I was feeling sorry for myself, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t what was in my heart. I know it might seem that way, but that wasn’t it. I like you explanation better 😊.

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  5. I completely understand – I had a similar reaction to an article about a lady who had breast cancer. It was her story of how difficult it was to go through the pain and fatigue, but how she fought it and won.
    I just sat and cried. It wasn’t fair. I was so jealous. This lady was fighting something as hideous as cancer. Her friends supported her, her work understood. she only took a few days off after every chemo session and was able to continue working full time (with difficulty, but she did it). She was lauded as a fighter and people gave her support and understanding. And she got better.
    I had never felt so alone, defeated or hopeless after reading that article. I wished I had cancer. And then I cried.

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  6. You are definitely not alone with this, and it’s okay to feel sad when watching St. Jude’s commercials. I find it truly sad too that children and teenagers have to get diagnosed with cancer and their lives have barely begun. During my really bad days, I cry to God and ask, “Why couldn’t you just give me cancer? Then, I can be put out of my misery at least!”

    So no, it’s not really selfish to feel upset about your own chronic illnesses. Like with fibro for instance, you have it…there’s no cure…and it’s not fatal. Therefore, it’s like having a life sentence in prison: you have the pain, fatigue, and whatnot for life (as long as there’s no cure). It’s a very frustrating situation, but the best we can do is find the blessings out of each hardship.

    Best wishes for a happy New Year, my friend! 🙂

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    • Thank you for sharing, Jenn. Yes, it’s the same with adhesions…life sentence with no cure. But, we will get through it day by day, right? Wishing you a very happy New Year as well!

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      • I have to admit I too, have had these same feelings many times. When others get diagnosed with cancer; I have been known to be jealous. Because as you said 1 of 2 things will happen. Adhesion suffers don’t. I also hate it bc this is an invisible disease so as others said; if someone has (I’m just going to keep on using cancer) cancer, your right they are known as heroes, looked at by others so very differently; family, friends, work, doctors, etc. And then there is always those non believing naysayers who actually make trying to live with adhesions EVEN MORE DIFFICULT (which is pretty hard to do) but some seem to manage it rather easily. I have even mentioned the animal/pet thing to others before. If I were your pet you would have had more mercy for me and put me down. I don’t understand why death has to be such a bad thing for humans. Suffering in pain everyday for 20 years takes its toll on ones body not even to mention everything else it destroys or tries to take from us. Just another one letting you know that it is OKAY to feel that way given what we go through. Bless you. April.

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        • Thank you, April, for a few things. First, for stopping by to read my ramblings. Second, for having the courage to admit that you feel the same way…that’s hard to do. Third, for letting me know that it’s ok to feel this way. I must say, I agree with everything you said here. We are not seen as being strong. By most we are seen as complainers. Also, if I knew my babies (my dogs) were suffering the way I do, as much as I love them, I wouldn’t hesitate to put them down. I don’t see why people have to be any different either.

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