It is December 1. This is going to be a really tough month for me. Although I am not looking forward to it, it has arrived, so I will do my best to be positive. If the way I feel physically this morning is any indication of how the rest of my month will go…I’d rather stay in bed! This ‘whatever’ that has been bothering me the last two weeks still has a strong grip on me. This morning I couldn’t even sit up at the table to drink my coffee. I figured it would be rude to lay my head on the table so I just went back to bed. Hopefully with the doctors being back in their offices this week we can solve the mystery. Besides the physical pain, this month holds two heart-breaking dates that I will have to deal with emotionally. Maybe that’s why I feel especially down today.
Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my father-in-law. He was a wonderful man who loved me very much. He is loved and missed by many…10 children, in-laws, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. I first met him when he and M’s mother came here from Mexico to be with me during a surgery. It was love at first sight for all of us. I really feel for those people who don’t get along with their in-laws. No matter what happens, these people are my family and I love each and every one of them. It breaks my heart to think about all these people that I love and how their hearts must be breaking today. Mine is breaking right along with them. But I am trying to remember all the time we spent together and how, even if only for a while, I was his favorite daughter-in-law. That is enough to make me smile again.
December 27 is the ten year anniversary of my mother’s death. I know I have mentioned this before, but each year it seems like my heart breaks a little more. She was my best friend and she is dearly missed by me and my family, although I think I miss her the most. She was quiet, kind, patient, caring…I could go on all day long. Each day I strive to be more like her. I’m happy to think that I am like her, and it’s extra special when my family comments on how much like her I am. I’m trying to think of something special to do to commemorate the anniversary. I think I know what I’m doing, but I’m not sure. I guess you’ll just have to wait to find out.
This month that means Christmas magic and holiday cheer for so many just doesn’t mean the same for me. I am going to try to change that this year with a Christmas tree. Maybe that will help with the loneliness and sadness that I feel this time each year. I am also going to remember the good times…the good memories. It doesn’t heal a broken heart, but little by little it eases the pain.