I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that all of us who suffer from some form of invisible illness have good days and bad days. I have had a bad couple of days. I don’t really want to talk about yesterday for one because it would probably be too much information anyway, and for two, well, I just don’t want to talk about it. Suffice it to say that it was a BAD day.
Today started out a little better, and I had PT this morning. Usually, I bounce back pretty quickly from the torture that is physical therapy, but today my body just isn’t agreeing to do so. I had a lot of trigger points on my stomach…partly around my incision scar, and the other two were right where they always are on my hip flexor muscle. I guess I should probably look it up to see what I can learn about it, but I don’t even feel like doing that right now. I am hurting so bad all I want to do is try to sleep…which is close to impossible and when I do sleep, I get a whole 2 or 3 hours at a time. At least for those two or three hours I don’t feel the pain. I believe that this is where a lot of depression comes from. Not only from the pain, but being unable to escape from it. Escapes are short-lived and if you spend all your time in bed, people think you’re depressed anyway.
I don’t know, but for some reason, I am having muscles spsms all over my body. This morning, my back was actually feeling better (because of the foam roller) and now, just after her trying to work out trigger points on my stomach, I have back muscles from my bottom all the way up to my shoulders trying to cramp. Not to mention the sensation that my stomach from right under my ribs all the way to my lower pelvis (hip flexor) is black and blue from PT this morning (which it is not…I’ve looked!)
I really should be (and sort of am) grateful that it has been a while since I have had bad days like this. However, for as much gratitude as I can muster, I have twice as much anger and frustration because I just want to feel better again. For a while I felt that things were getting better…and just like they always do, I am slapped in the face with another set of bad days. I truly hope that this doesn’t last long. With as much other stuff as I’ve been dealing with lately at home, I know that I don’t have the patience today to deal with anything. I am almost dreading him getting home from work, because he is going to expect me to be ok like I have been lately, and he doesn’t know how to deal with the bad days. He will either say the wrong thing, or even just insinuate something (like I’m just being lazy) and it’ll start a fight. Of course, as you know the circle of never-ending shit is that the pain causes the anxiety, the anxiety just causes more pain, and the two together make me a not so great person to be around. No wonder he says he gets tired of my shit. I would be tired of me too. I am tired of me…tired of this continuous roller-coaster of good and bad days. How am I supposed to learn to get used to this? To accept that this is my new “norm”? Well, I don’t want to accept it, I want to get better.
Note: as I am writing this I am crying, and the bigger of my three dogs (the one from the picture yesterday who was all covered up on the couch) kept trying to get to me. I put aside the tablet, and he started licking the tears off my face. How sweet is that? He has a habit of doing it, so I sort of knew what he wanted. I kept trying to tell him I was ok, but he had to make sure for himself before he would leave me alone. See why I love my “babies” so much?
Now, back to what I was saying…those of you who have been sick for a long time (i.e. Julie) how do you accept that this is your new life? At what point does it finally stick in that hard head of yours (mine, not yours) that life as you knew it is over and you are cursed to suffer for the rest of your life those bad days when even the good ones aren’t great? I have tried and tried and have not managed yet to accept this life I have been given. Any words of wisdom from any of you who accompany me in this suffering?