Bad Days

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I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that all of us who suffer from some form of invisible illness have good days and bad days.  I have had a bad couple of days.  I don’t really want to talk about yesterday for one because it would probably be too much information anyway, and for two, well, I just don’t want to talk about it.  Suffice it to say that it was a BAD day.

Today started out a little better, and I had PT this morning.  Usually, I bounce back pretty quickly from the torture that is physical therapy, but today my body just isn’t agreeing to do so.  I had a lot of trigger points on my stomach…partly around my incision scar, and the other two were right where they always are on my hip flexor muscle.  I guess I should probably look it up to see what I can learn about it, but I don’t even feel like doing that right now.  I am hurting so bad all I want to do is try to sleep…which is close to impossible and when I do sleep, I get a whole 2 or 3 hours at a time. At least for those two or three hours I don’t feel the pain. I believe that this is where a lot of depression comes from. Not only from the pain, but being unable to escape from it. Escapes are short-lived and if you spend all your time in bed, people think you’re depressed anyway.

I don’t know, but for some reason, I am having muscles spsms all over my body. This morning, my back was actually feeling better (because of the foam roller) and now, just after her trying to work out trigger points on my stomach, I have back muscles from my bottom all the way up to my shoulders trying to cramp. Not to mention the sensation that my stomach from right under my ribs all the way to my lower pelvis (hip flexor) is black and blue from PT this morning (which it is not…I’ve looked!)

I really should be (and sort of am) grateful that it has been a while since I have had bad days like this. However, for as much gratitude as I can muster, I have twice as much anger and frustration because I just want to feel better again. For a while I felt that things were getting better…and just like they always do, I am slapped in the face with another set of bad days. I truly hope that this doesn’t last long. With as much other stuff as I’ve been dealing with lately at home, I know that I don’t have the patience today to deal with anything. I am almost dreading him getting home from work, because he is going to expect me to be ok like I have been lately, and he doesn’t know how to deal with the bad days. He will either say the wrong thing, or even just insinuate something (like I’m just being lazy) and it’ll start a fight. Of course, as you know the circle of never-ending shit is that the pain causes the anxiety, the anxiety just causes more pain, and the two together make me a not so great person to be around. No wonder he says he gets tired of my shit. I would be tired of me too. I am tired of me…tired of this continuous roller-coaster of good and bad days. How am I supposed to learn to get used to this? To accept that this is my new “norm”? Well, I don’t want to accept it, I want to get better.

Note: as I am writing this I am crying, and the bigger of my three dogs (the one from the picture yesterday who was all covered up on the couch) kept trying to get to me. I put aside the tablet, and he started licking the tears off my face. How sweet is that? He has a habit of doing it, so I sort of knew what he wanted. I kept trying to tell him I was ok, but he had to make sure for himself before he would leave me alone. See why I love my “babies” so much?

Now, back to what I was saying…those of you who have been sick for a long time (i.e. Julie) how do you accept that this is your new life? At what point does it finally stick in that hard head of yours (mine, not yours) that life as you knew it is over and you are cursed to suffer for the rest of your life those bad days when even the good ones aren’t great? I have tried and tried and have not managed yet to accept this life I have been given. Any words of wisdom from any of you who accompany me in this suffering?

 

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16 thoughts on “Bad Days

  1. Well, Joy, you know I have no words of wisdom because I, as you already know, have a lot of trouble accepting this as the way the rest of my life is going to be. Sorry, girl, that you are suffering like this and I can’t even talk on the phone to you. I’m not doing well, either. Maybe that will make you feel better, knowing you’re not alone. I don’t know how in the hell Julie carries on the way she does. She’s another wild one, now let me tell ya. I sure hope we’re talking about the same Julie. I sure hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to talk, or I’ll be worse. Probably worse since I ignored my doctor and didn’t go to urgent care. These people think I’m made of money. Shit, I’m on disability and anyone on disability knows that we are not made of money. Those gigantic checks we get each month last about 10 minutes. I love ya girl. Stay down and take it easy. don’t be running around doing a bunch of shit that you know is going to hurt you. That’s why I’m in my bed most of the time. It sucks. I know, hon.
    Wild Thang 😦
    2 sad sacks today 😦

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    • Yes, we’re talking about the same one. It’s just frustrating when you start to feel a little better, get optimistic, and then BAM! you’re back down again. I actually haven’t been doing too much this time. Church Saturday night, home all day Sunday, PT today and then straight back home. At least if I’d been running around I would have something to blame it on and it would make more sense, know what I mean?

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      • Now you see how my life is. It doesn’t take much and I’m down. It sucks and I’m about ready to give up, again. Even though I just wrote some positive posts. It’s bad enough to be my every day sick, then to go and get whatever the hell I got going on, I’m not impressed. But, my life is mostly spent in bed for the exact reason you are describing to me. That’s how my life’s been for the past 4 years. I was sick before that, for many years, but still able to work through the pain. I do one thing and that means a week in bed. Then I do one more thing and that’s another few weeks in bed. I’ve still got this damn fibro flare going on, on top of all this other shit. Just give me a gun, right now. LOL

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        • It gets tempting sometimes, I’m not gonna lie. But then I keep thinking they’ll find the magic mixture of meds and I’ll be able to handle it…out of bed! Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from accepting this thing…hope that something will change when it probably won’t.

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          • I kept trying for a long time and had to finally just give in to it. Not by choice. My body dictates what I get to do and not do. Meds, I’m sick of those, too, because they are just going to kill us and give us other diseases, just the truth.
            Maybe you’ll be the lucky one and get to feeling better, I sure hope so. Hang in there and maybe we can talk tomorrow night, if I have a voice, OK?

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  2. I’m so sorry you’re having bad days. I’ve been blessed with some really good days and haven’t had a fibro flare-up in quite awhile. The bad days are so hard to deal with. No one really understands the pain. They say “That shouldn’t hurt, I barely touched you!” when I flinch at something. And they don’t understand when I have to curl up on the couch and just “cocoon” for awhile. I don’t have any real words of advice, other than in my experience, the bad days are usually followed by good ones…eventually. Hang in there. Let that dog lick your tears and give him a big hug. Just know that there are many of us out there who understand.

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  3. I’ve been trying for the last 7 years to get my head around that. I accept the illnesses but struggle to come to terms with having to suffer for the rest of my life, I still remain optimistic that I may just recover 😉

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  4. I am so with you on this Joy. I understand this so much. As I only have a few good days a month this is a hard thing to pin down “accepting the new norm.” When I am on a particularly long spell of bad days it is harder and harder. The way I accept the norm is looking forward to good days, cherishing them actually, celebrating small victories (ie not waking up stiff), reaching out to others while stuck in bed and as you do I rely a lot on the comfort of my puppy who loves me unconditionally and won’t say sucky things to me haha. I think the small victories is the biggest thing for me bc even on my worst days I can still find them (ie my favorite show recorded!!) As I have been suicidal in the past each morning/afternoon I thank God for my blessings even if it’s just that I am alive and breathing. Sometimes on really bad days that is hard to be thankful for but I am purposeful in saying that as I know on good days I am glad I got through the bad ones. Praying for you Joy not sure I was any help but thinking of you wishing I could give you a light gentle hug!

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    • Emily, you helped just by commenting! Sometimes that’s all I need is to know I have friends out there (wherever you all may be lol). I’ve been trying harder to remember to thank God for my blessings, but like you said, sometimes even that is hard. For example, I was invited to go to a dinner at my new church and start my catholic studies, but I don’t even feel well enough to shower today (is that too much information?) in order to be presentable when I go. I hate the fact that I am already missing fellowship time with others and hope that they understand without too much explanation. Thank you for being there for me and I would gladly accept that hug if I could, so we’ll make it a cyber hug ((hug)) 😉

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