Who’s to Blame?


Who’s to blame when I feel bad?  I hurt and take the medicine prescribed to me by a doctor.  The fact that the medicine makes me sleepy is enough to  start an argument.  I am taking medicine that is pretty strong, but that does not make me a drug addict.  I take it because I want to be me again.  I have come to realize that a lot of the basis behind the arguments that I deal with here at home aren’t necessarily because I am not loved, but because along the way I have forgotten how to love myself.  And if I don’t love myself, how can I expect anyone else to either.  With this pain that I deal with on a daily basis, I lost myself and the love I had for myself.  I have to figure out who I am and I have to figure out a way to love who I am now.  I am not the same person I was a few years ago.  I am Me with pain…and that is a hard pill to swallow.

So who’s to blame that I lost myself along the way?  Who’s to blame that I lost the love I felt for myself?  If M- is not to blame for me not loving the new me and I am not to blame for not loving the new me then who is.  It’s not the medication’s fault.  The medication is there to help me function again.  I don’t love me because I find it difficult to live with this pain and still be able to function in daily life.  it’s not the medication’s fault.  It’s not my fault.  It’s not M-‘s fault.  It’s the pain’s fault.

The pain has what has caused me to lose the love I had for myself.  I realize that it is going to take time to love myself again. I think that M- finally realizes that it is going to take a while to love myself again.  But what has happened is that he tries to “fix” things…including me.  He can’t ‘fix’ the pain, he can’t ‘fix’ the fact that I have lost myself along the way.  I am the only one who can ‘fix’ me.  I am the only one who can learn to love myself again.

One day I will.  One day I will love myself again and I will realize that I am not the same person I was.  I will learn to be the new me, whoever she is.  In the meantime, we may still have issues.  But as long as we both understand that 1) I have to love me before I can feel that he loves me and 2) neither one of us can ‘fix’ me then I think that we will be able to ‘fix’ the issues that we have, the issues and arguments that have arisen along the way.  I will learn to love myself and I will learn to live with this pain.  It may take a while to do, but it can be done.  And neither of us are to “blame” for the fact that the pain is here.  It simply IS.  We will figure it out.  It will just take some time to do.



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