Tonight is a little difficult for me. I don’t know if you guys noticed the change in heart between Graduation, Feeling Better, and Doggy Kisses and Trapped, but like has been repeated many times, there was an issue between M- and myself and we argued. He is now on the couch and I only have my dogs Bailey and Molly for company. I am so scared this is going to be the last straw in our relationship…I’m also worried it won’t be. I’m not going to get into details, because that would be unfair to him and myself, but suffice it to say at the end of the argument we decided we were through. But, in order to help pay for the pet bill and others that are strewn somewhere around this house, he is staying for a couple more months. I said that it was fine, but that he wasn’t going to sleep in my bed (I can’t handle a “pretend” relationship)in the meantime. Wow, I do know how to draw a line (which makes me feel strong) but having to draw that line hurts (which makes me feel weak). This is just way too much of a roller coaster.
I really don’t know what to say. Between the fight with my friend and this, I am pretty close to my breaking point. Emotionally I am one hot mess! On the one hand, I’m glad he’s not gone. I love him. On the other hand, it is really hard when he’s talking and is not paying attention and calls me babe or am or something else affectionate. It is hard knowing that he is just in the other room, but at the same time so very far away. And it is hard because I don’t understand what happened. This would be 6 years together (not that we ever celebrated an anniversary) and I don’t know what changed. Of course, I feel like he changed, and he says that I changed with “all those drugs.” I don’t feel like I’ve changed, but if I have, it’s not my fault. I’m trusting that the doctors are doing the best they can. I never take more than I’m supposed to (although I’m tempted sometimes, but who isn’t? This stuff is pretty much under lock and key. But honestly, I think that’s what it is. He knows I take opiates, so opiates are made from opium which is also what heroin is made of, so I must be some kind of druggie or something. Where is the love he promised? The wedding he promised me and his father who passed last year. When his dad died he swore we would get married…and look at us now. Where is the support that I need? Where is that best friend who listens to you? Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. Where is my soulmate? He is on the couch basically because he can’t get past the fact that I’m a drug addict. He lost all respect for me when the word opiate came into the picture. And without respect, there’s no relationship…at least for me there isn’t.
So now, he is here because he feels sorry for me, or because he feels like it would be unmanly to leave me in economic hardship. Do you know how that makes me feel? Like some kind of charity case. I hate it, but right now, I can’t say no because he’s right. That doesn’t make it hurt any less (emotionally or physically…take your pick).