For the first time in a long time, I feel loved again. M- and I had this heart to heart tonight. We talked about how I don’t want his pity when I say I’m hurting or that I’ve had a bad day… all I want is for him to hug me and say he understands. That’s it. No more, no less. I don’t expect him to fix me. He, however, is in ‘fix me’ mode.
We finally found out what adhesions are called in Spanish. I looked everywhere! My one trusted site for all things translated ( which you can find here if you ever need something translated…DO NOT USE GOOGLE TRANSLATOR!!!) actually had it right, but who believes me anyway? So, we found out because it turns out that his new (well, not that new…4 years, but that’s considered new in his family) sister-in-law just so happens to be a nurse…and quite educated at that. I don’t know exactly how the licensing compares, but she’s at least an RN if not higher up than that. So, when we went to pick her up from Memphis (don’t ask- that was one road trip I was completely against but got indoctrinated into going (“because it’s the right thing to do. She just got here. You’re the hostess. She’s family.” yada yada yada…and yes, I have recovered from it…finally) she had wanted us all to stay for dinner there at her cousin’s house, but we couldn’t because of little ol’ me :(. That’s why later we got on the topic because I was trying to explain to her that I was sick and had just been convinced into making the trip anyway, but that just the trip was hard on me. She wanted to know why and I told her I didn’t know what they were called in Spanish (she doesn’t speak English) so I talked about them. Right away she knew what they were and of course, what they are called…”adherencias”. See, you didn’t know you would get a Spanish lesson reading my blog, did you? Whew, I have got to learn how to tone down the talking…writing…in circles bit…I wear myself out! I can only imagine you guys having to read it. But, this is how my brain works. Sorry.
So, back to the point. We learned what adhesions are in Spanish (echo, echo) so M- gets on the computer and spends like hours…probably 5 maybe 6…looking up adhesions, reading about them, looking up doctors who specialize in adhesion removal. He found a specialist in Puerto Rico, Spain, and said something about Cuba until I reminded him that we still weren’t allowed to go there (although I do agree that a lot of damn good doctors have come from Cuba…I’m just saying…). He watched videos of the adhesion removal being done. That’s what surprised me the most was him watching the videos. He’s kinda squeamish about that kind of stuff. Now that he has ‘researched’ adhesions he has decided that I AM having surgery done because that is the only thing that will “fix me”. I try to remind him that there is a 50% chance that they will just come back again, but no! That is the ONLY choice in his mind.
To get back to what I was saying at the beginning, we sat down and REALLY talked. We talked about how much it hurts him to see me in pain. How it kills him inside to see me cry because he feels completely unable to make me feel better. He has learned that the only way to deal with this (because guys can’t show weakness, you know) is to get mad, or to try to “pass” some of his strength to me (which usually just ends up in him saying the wrong thing and making me mad which would just make him mad and say the things that would REALLY push my buttons and really set me off…you get the picture). I told him that I completely understood. That besides the pain, mentally I’m dealing with trying to accept that this will be my life…for the rest of my life…or if it is worth risking another surgery. I deal with thoughts at times that it would just be easier to end it all than to suffer like this, but then I counter that with HELL NO, I can beat this, I can handle it! I deal with thinking that he would be better off without me, he could just find a “normal” woman. To that he countered that he would never leave me like this, that I’m his soulmate. I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that God sent him to me because he knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with this myself. But at times I feel that I have brought much more suffering into his life than joy and that it is unfair to him. He disagreed.
Anyway, this banter went back and forth (I even saw a tear that he tried to catch before I could see) for well over two hours. We ended up finally understanding each other for the first time in close to a year. Around 2:00 am we went to sleep in each other’s arms instead of him turned one way and me turned another (of course we always end up that way anyway just because that’s how we sleep. But the point is that when I woke up at 4:00 am, we were still holding each other and it made it all worth it. Those two hours of him holding me made the whole year of arguments worth it. I have him back. I don’t know if he was lost in himself with all the stress of having to deal with me: seeing me in pain, seeing me go in for various surgeries and not knowing if I was coming back, seeing me emotionally torn in two. I think it was all of it. I better understand his side of things and at least for right now he understands mine. I don’t know why we were able to have this talk tonight when I had tried so many times before, but I thank God we did. I’m sure he had a hand in this one too, because M- even said that we needed to go back to church. For so long I have been unable to sit on those hard pews, but now I have a cushion I can take. I argued at first that I thought God had abandoned me a long time ago and I wasn’t sure if I could do it. He said that was exactly why we needed to go, because sometimes he felt the same way, but that both of us should know better than that. Maybe it was us who had abandoned Him. Maybe he’s right. All I know is that for tonight, all is right at my house. I have learned to live in the moment because that’s all we’re really promised. I feel some peace in my soul for the first time in a long time. Maybe I wasn’t abandoned after all…that’s all I’ve wanted for quite some time now…just a little bit of peace.