When I began writing this blog, I chose to do it anonymously. That way, I would have the freedom to write what I wanted about who and what I wanted and not hurt anyone’s feelings. Yesterday, I decided that I was ready to branch out and reach more people, but not quite ready to let the people I actually know in on it. So, I opened a new Twitter account.
My old Twitter account would have re-posted anything I posted on it onto my Facebook page as well. I don’t know when or where I set that up, so of course, I didn’t know where to undo it, Therefore, I have a new Twitter account, one I plan to use because I never used the other one. The people I know don’t care if I’m feeling poorly. They don’t care if I overdid it the day before and now are unable to get out of bed, and then have to stay in bed for a few days. I just don’t fit into people’s busy lives and I can understand that. However, that is my life now and if I tweet that I’m on my way to see the doctor or I tweet the date of my knee surgery I want it going to someone who cares. Someone who understands and therefore the news is either important enough for them to care but not so important that people are going to want to come from another country to “make sure things (things meaning M-) are ok”. Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad except I don’t think that his family understands the severity of my illness. Some may even think that I’m making it up for attention since I have to “be good” around them. Of course I may be wrong, but that is how it felt the last time we were all together (see ‘Road Trip).
After I created the new account, however, I realized that I had no friends to add. I couldn’t, for example, create a new Facebook account because everyone I know is on the other. Of course I could create the account, but if there’s no one to interact with, then what’s the point? The thought made me very sad. This was last night (well, night before last considering I am writing this and it is almost 5 am) at approximately 4 am when the aforementioned sadness hit, so I was able to cry. And I did. I cried myself right back to sleep. So hey, if you’re looking for a cure for insomnia, save all that pain and frustration until nighttime and then let those tears loose. After a good 30-45 minute cry I am out every time (especially if I’m lying down and crying into the pillow). I know it’s an odd suggestion, but then I’m odd…my regular readers should expect some quirky-mess from me by now. When I woke back up at 6:30…wait, I need a disclaimer: (Disclaimer: I didn’t say you would sleep for an extended period of time, just that it would put you to sleep. I should also let you know about the extremely puffy eyes you’re gonna have when you wake up after that 30 minute cry. I don’t want to be blamed for them. It just happens people…oh yeah, any advice given anywhere on this post is from my experiences and I don’t always do the right thing so you should probably think for yourselves or ask a doctor…end of disclaimer) lol. I should probably put a disclaimer permanently on my page somewhere…I’ll work on that.
So, after a good cry, and a little sleep, my mind started trying to mentally go through everyone on my Facebook friends list to see who I could trust with my blog (there has only been one person so far). Of course, all of M-’s family is out of the question (I mean, they’re in-laws and they are going to take his side) which therefore would leave me with the need to edit the posts I already have and to watch my subject matter in the future by not mentioning him again except for to say that he’s great about taking me to the doctor and caring for me when I’m really sick (both of which are true by the way). But I can’t do that. My whole point in this blog was to help other people (and hopefully myself along the way) and to let people know that they aren’t alone, that there are countless numbers of us ready to take you and *softly* squeeze you. there are people who will understand and be there when you need to vent.
I can’t and won’t change what I’ve written because I’ve written from the heart. And besides, relationship issues can arise with any loved one for any number of reasons, but especially when one of them suffers with chronic pain. It is hard for them to understand a pain that they can’t feel or see. Our pain is a never-ending cycle of suffering (physically and mentally) and as much as they might like, they can not do anything to help us…can you imagine how hard that must be for them? Add to that the fact that “people with unrelenting pain…also have trouble sleeping, are often depressed, anxious and even have difficulty making simple decisions”. That is a lot of burden for any relationship to bear especially a romantic or patient/caregiver relationship. The topic of relationship issues is not only applicable to the discussion of pain, but also to the examination of how emotional issues can worsen physical pain. Therefore, I will not change my blog so that others can read it.
I believe I will carefully go through my “friends” list and pick out a few who really wouldn’t give a damn one way or the other and then go ahead and then either let them know about this blog or my new Twitter page where I will be “tweeting” each new post. If they want to read it ok and if not ok. But I feel that people I know need to know what is wrong with me. Adhesions is an illness that far too little people know about, but far too many suffer from. Some cases are more extreme than others and I just happen to be on the extreme side.
I think what I mean to say with all this rambling is that I’m tired of hiding here at home. I want my best friend since elementary school to know why I haven’t been around more to spend time with her beautiful twin boys. I have been hiding…because I didn’t want anyone to ask me how I am. This blog is the best way to try to explain to people what I go through. I can sit here and wallow about the fact that no one cares, but if I don’t let them know – don’t give them a chance to understand – then I won’t ever know if they care or not. I do know that if I give them a chance to read my blog, then conversation can resume and I won’t have to answer that awful question “how are you doing” that so often gets asked because it’s just what you do and so often gets answered “fine” to keep from having to explain otherwise. If they’ve read, they’ll already know. And I will know who really cares. However, if people are too busy in their lives to worry about mine that’s ok. I have met people here who really do care, who write me and ask me how I’m feeling and when I say not great they completely understand. Do I really need any more than that?