Here We Go Again

Well, it’s been over a week now since my surgery.  Most of the “surgery pains” are gone or decreased and I am back to my old familiar pains.  At this moment I am right back on the emotional/physical pain roller coaster.  You all remember me saying how great M- was before surgery and even afterwards for that matter.  I thought he had finally understood, especially seeing the pictures and hearing the explanation from the doctor. But, at a little over a week later, all has gone to hell.

At first I handled the news that “nothing could be done” like a true champ.  Part of me knew it anyway, but hearing it confirmed is different.  Instead of getting upset, I went on some “I can do this” crusade.  I bought books on meditation, on yoga, and a book that was supposed to help me handle “my thoughts”.  It called Loving What Is by an author named Byron Katie who is known for “The Work” or “inquiry”.  Basically what “The Work” does is take the thoughts that cause you stress and make you see them differently to a point where they no longer cause you stress.  She has been interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and has at least 4 books under her belt not to mention numerous conferences all over the country where she teaches people how to do “The Work” for themselves.  The idea is pretty simple to have been so successful.  You take the negative (or bothersome) thought, ask yourself four questions and then do a turnaround of the original thought.  It  supposedly has helped thousands of people suffering from depression and other such ailments.  So I read the book up to the part where you are supposed to fill out your first sheet of thoughts.  I read one meditation book completely and read one yoga book to the point where it began to explain the exercises.  I still can not get my mind to shut up long enough to meditate, I don’t feel well enough to do any yoga stretches, and I fill out my first worksheet.  Then I freeze.  Why did I freeze?  Because it all of a sudden hits me that I am going to be in incurable pain for the rest of my life.  That’s why.  I freeze because 4 days ago M-‘s brother comes to stay with us to help M- at work and along with the brother came the old attitude.  Long gone are the days of him worrying whether I am able to eat or not much less cooking for me.  Now, I am supposed to do my “job” and have lunch cooked for them when they come home midday.  I am supposed to have the floors swept daily because we don’t have an extra bed and brother is sleeping on a palate of blankets on the floor.  Wash dishes because there are now 3 of us, and oh, not to mention folding about 6 loads of clothes that M- washed and never folded.  So, I do these things and day before yesterday just passed out.  I was so exhausted I didn’t even take my midday pain medication- I just passed out.  Well, when they got home to eat lunch I tried to get up to sit with them, but every muscle in my body told me no, so I just went back to sleep.  Later that evening, I get a lecture on how I looked like some crazy lady all high and passed out half sitting up in bed with my glasses crooked on my face.  I’m like WHAT?  I did what you asked me to, something that I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be doing yet because I haven’t gone back for my post-op appointment, and I get a lecture about being high and how embarrassed he was that his brother saw me like that.  I mean what the hell?  The argument continued outside and he started to halfway tell his brother what the problem was.  So I’m like nope, you opened Pandora’s box now I’ll just tell him the truth.  So I told him what M- was mad about.  He said that yes, he saw me lying quite uncomfortably on the bed but that he knows that I’m sick and what’s the big deal.  EXACTLY!  I told M- that if he had a problem with the way that I lie down that was his problem, not mine.  I have no control over the position that my body moves it’s way into while I’m asleep.  And as far as his “high” statement was concerned, I hadn’t even taken the medication in question.  Of course, seeing that his brother was on my side (and considering the fact that they were both already drunk – they came home that way) he kept apologizing and trying to kiss me and telling his brother that he had the best girl in the world.  Bullshit.  Fast forward to last night.  Again, they come home with a 24 count of beer and choose to spend the evening outside grilling.  I went outside (because that is the only way that I could talk to him.)  I wanted to show him a couple of things and talk to him for a minute.  It would have taken 5 minutes.  But oh no, he was WAY too tired to talk to me.  He just wanted to relax for a while and we would talk in the morning.  Well, the pair of idiots decided to stay up until 5:00 this morning.  He obviously wasn’t too tired to talk to his brother now was he? Once, at 3:00 am (I was already asleep) he brings the dogs in.  The dogs didn’t want to be inside with me, they wanted to be outside where the food was.  So they cried and whined and licked my face until I woke up (and was not too happy to have been woken up).  I took the dogs back outside to him, told him what time it was and went back to sleep.  So, then I get woken up again at 5:00 am when the pair of idiots come stumbling in the house because he wanted me to set the alarm clock to 7:30 am so that he could be at work at 8:00am.  I somehow fell back asleep until 6:00.  I went ahead and got up, fixed a cup of tea and something for them to eat for breakfast because I knew he wouldn’t have time to fix it himself.  I woke him up at 7:30  and again at 7:35 when I realized he had gone back to sleep.  That time he told me he just needed 10 more minutes.  So I woke him at 7:45 just to be reprimanded for not getting him up at 7:30 like he had asked.  I told him there was food made (which of course he didn’t want).  He left to go pick up some tools and said he would be back in an hour for his brother.  By some miracle I fell back asleep just to be woken up by him AGAIN wanting me to look at how cute the dog was while he played with him.  I snapped.  I was like you woke me up AGAIN just to look at the dog.  I realized that I did snap at him, but I didn’t mean too.  It had just been too much.  Not to mention that if I got 1/4 of the attention that my dog Jefferson gets from him I might be a happier person.  So I tried to apologize to him for snapping and he pulls this whole pity party now-you’ve-ruined-my-morning shit.  He thinks that he can say whatever he wants and get away with it, but I have to be some perfect “housewife” on top of my chronic pain and illness especially while his brother’s here.  Oh, and his brother’s girlfriend is coming next week.  I can’t do it!  So of course, now that he upset me (and doesn’t give a damn that he did so) now I have all these messed up thoughts about the way the rest of my life is going to go.  As much as I try to think positively, I just keep getting knocked back down.  My greatest fear is that one day I won’t have the strength to find that positivity in me anymore.  It will be gone. The sad part is that my patience has always been my best quality. And I am running out of it FAST! I am so sorry to all you readers that I promised more positive posts to.  I just don’t have much positivity left in me right now.  And I wouldn’t have written this one if I didn’t think that somehow this blog is therapeutic.  I just feel so vulnerable and helpless right now.

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