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This week has definitely had it’s ups and downs. The ups were that A) I’m doing better on this new medicine B) M and I decided to work things out, and C) I bought a chromecast which is really cool. Now, the long list of downs. First of all I have been spotting this week. One day spots, then two days without. Two days spots, then one without. The last time this happened, I had a polyp or two on my uterus. I’m praying that this is not the case this time because I really don’t want to go through another surgery right now. I’m hoping that it’s one of two things. 1) Not taking my BC pills at the same time each morning (it only varies by an hour or so, so that shouldn’t be it) or 2) not doing my stretches like I should. These were the two suggestions given to me by ladies in my adhesions group on Facebook. So besides the menstruation-like pains and the severe bloating, my week was pretty good until today.
M and I had a long talk and we were trying to work things out. While this made me very nervous, it strangely settled my nerves at the same time. He had a list of rules and he knew that any breach in those rules will put us back where we were before. Today was a rough day. I had an appointment at pain management. They called to say they had a lot of cancellations and did I want to go in early. Sure. It was cold, snowing, and I wanted to get back home before it got any colder. Well, what would normally be a 30 minute drive took 3 hours. Every time we chose a road, it was blocked because of a wreck. So we would go another way just to find it was blocked. We tried four different routes before M started to loose it. I decided that it must be the stress of driving on very icy roads. We finally gave up and came back home. My nerves were shot. I took my medicines and a nerve pill and then decided that I would crochet to finish calming myself down. Since it was 7:00 pm, it was too dark for me to see with just the lamp on my bedside table. I asked him to turn the light on because he was closest to it. He conveniently ignored my request. When I asked again, he blew up. Same as old times. He said that he was going back to “his” room where I wouldn’t ask for the light to be on all f*%$ing night long (it was only 7:00!!!) that he guessed that was what I wanted anyway because I am happier with my cigarettes and my drugs. Whoa! Where did that come from? So, once again, I am just a drug addict according to him. I am so very tired of being insulted. I’m done. If someone in his family is reading this, I’m sorry, but I have put up with as much of his self-centered, insulting, bullshit as I can take. I’m done.
I had bought a Chromecast. Since all I have is a digital antenna in order to save money on cable, this Chromecast is awesome because all the cool stuff I can watch on my laptop or tablet can now be watched on the big screen. Well, he decided to take the tv with him when he left the room. So much for my new toy.
You know, when I started writing this post yesterday it was full of good news. Positive things. However, in one split second, all of that has changed. I had to erase most of what I had written to tell you guys about what’s going on now. My good news about M is bullshit now, I can no longer watch the chromecast I bought because I don’t have another TV, and I am so upset that I am physically shaking. Oh, and the icing on the cake is that I don’t know when I will be able to get another appointment with my pain specialist. Since they are only allowed to write the script for a 30 day supply and those 30 days are over, and because like usual no one answers the phone there, I have no idea when I will be able to refill my pain meds. So, now withdrawal…the one thing that scares the shit out of me…is most probably imminent. I need a friend so bad right now. Of course, I know that there is nothing that can be done or said to change anything that has happened. It just hurts so bad – I hurt so bad – physically and emotionally. It’s my own fault for getting my hopes up again on a sorry SOB (no offense to his mother because I love her) who doesn’t deserve my tears. That doesn’t make them flow any slower. I so wanted to write a positive post for a change, but I promised you guys I would be real, so here it is. My real life for all the world to see. I guess I should feel ashamed for “airing my dirty laundry” publicly, but I only have you guys who care about me. I guess that’s it. Off for a good cry now and to try to figure out what was so bad about the freaking light being on. If it was 2:00am I could understand. But 7:00pm…really?